Well it’s getting light here now so I should probably think about getting back to bed. But I just want to get this out onto paper before I do.
About an hour ago, after a ridiculously long willed struggle, I finally surrendered to Christ. This struggle has been going on for many, many years.
I surrendered to simply carrying on with my normal daily life. My marriage, my family, everything (mainly my marriage 😉 )
No more distractions. I was using them to distract myself from submitting to His will for my normal daily life. His will is that I simply just carry on.
The reason I couldn’t submit was because my life felt like an impossible burden. I couldn’t submit because I felt like I couldn’t carry it, and I couldn’t fix it.
Of course I’ve recently realised (with the help of a great spiritual director) that I really can’t carry it, and I really can’t fix it! Only Jesus can do that. It is such a relief to know that. And with that massive weight lifted, I have managed (by the grace of God) to surrender my will to His and accept where He wants me to be. Thy will be done.
But this time I don’t need to be constantly distracting myself from the despair of a perceived impossible burden, because I’m no longer carrying it. He is 🙂
I’m not sure how life is going to be from now on, it all seems a bit new. But my Father knows what I need, and He will provide for me.