Its been a very painful few days in the desert. From the outside you’d never realise, but we keep many things very well hidden in the depths of our hearts.
I’ve not been alone though. A very kind and patient priest has been directing me, which has mainly consisted so far of him simply listening while I peeled more and more layers away. He listened, and he stayed, steadfast. And he listened more. He didn’t judge, and he didn’t get in the way.
The big breakthrough came today while I was visiting my embroiderers. He had bust his machine and was trying to fix it with a screwdriver. “It won’t fix itself!” he joked.
It was a lightbulb moment for me.
“I can’t fix myself.” I thought. “I CAN’T FIX MYSELF!! :-D” “My priest can’t fix me either! No one can!”
I suddenly realised I’ve been trying to fix myself through various self destructive coping mechanisms, or… Trying to get other people to fix me for, well, decades…
This is all very deeply hidden stuff. And hiding secretly within those half truths that have been whispering in my ear for decades has been the Father of lies.
All this time he’s kept himself hidden, convincing me that it was my doing, my fault, my responsibility. He whispered that I deserved it, that I was unwanted, unloveable. He convinced me that God was a liar, a harsh and cold Father who was indifferent to me because I was nothing special. And worst of all he convinced me that I was completely alone with it.
The freedom came in knowing that I can’t fix it! I have never been able to fix it and I never will! And neither will anyone else! Only Jesus can break these chains and heal the deep, deep hurts within my heart.
Satan’s power over me is broken. I’m free. Praise Jesus!!
The healing will take some time. I’m staying in the desert for a while. But it’s more of a beach holiday now rather than the Foreign Legion 🙂