You can’t fix yourself!

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Its been a very painful few days in the desert. From the outside you’d never realise, but we keep many things very well hidden in the depths of our hearts.

I’ve not been alone though. A very kind and patient priest has been directing me, which has mainly consisted so far of him simply listening while I peeled more and more layers away. He listened, and he stayed, steadfast. And he listened more. He didn’t judge, and he didn’t get in the way.

The big breakthrough came today while I was visiting my embroiderers. He had bust his machine and was trying to fix it with a screwdriver. “It won’t fix itself!”  he joked.

It was a lightbulb moment for me.

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“I can’t fix myself.”  I thought. “I CAN’T FIX MYSELF!! :-D”  “My priest can’t fix me either! No one can!”
I suddenly realised I’ve been trying to fix myself through various self destructive coping mechanisms, or… Trying to get other people to fix me for, well, decades…

This is all very deeply hidden stuff. And hiding secretly within those half truths that have been whispering in my ear for decades has been the Father of lies.
All this time he’s kept himself hidden, convincing me that it was my doing, my fault, my responsibility. He whispered that I deserved it, that I was unwanted, unloveable. He convinced me that God was a liar, a harsh and cold Father who was indifferent to me because I was nothing special. And worst of all he convinced me that I was completely alone with it.

All lies.

The freedom came in knowing that I can’t fix it! I have never been able to fix it and I never will! And neither will anyone else! Only Jesus can break these chains and heal the deep, deep hurts within my heart.

Satan’s power over me is broken. I’m free. Praise Jesus!!

The healing will take some time. I’m staying in the desert for a while. But it’s more of a beach holiday now rather than the Foreign Legion 🙂

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4 thoughts on “You can’t fix yourself!

  1. ^_^ Therefore with what freedom we have, may we give all of our chains to Him, when we resist or find ourselves lacking in that hope-filled trust – let us not continue in despair but know that indeed the Lord wants you to give, to entrust it all, all the lack, to be filled up in movement with Him, he who Is and does Love us. For all things – Thanks Be to God! Amen. 😀

    • I think it’s noteworthy.. that to continue in despair is to be content with no movement beyond ourselves and we’d only therefor be trying for fulfillment futilely by nestling into our preferred confinement(s). God IS Good; may we therefor not be afraid to Trust in Him. The Lord God Almighty is indeed loving each of us more than we could ever dream but besides even this it is God, above all, who is worthy of our love. God bless you, Amen.

  2. We have to participate in the death of Christ if we are to participate in his resurrection life. We have to identify ourselves with the death of Jesus. Anything that I try to do by myself is a dead work, it’s dead because it has not been empowered or energised by the Holy Spirit. I cannot change myself, I am totally dependent on the Lord to change me, and I can’t do it. When I try to change myself things get worse, that’s what Paul describes in Romans 7. The more you try to stop, the more bound you become. The key to overcoming the old nature is renunciation. If I were to renounce you as a friend I would be cutting you off from my life and considering you to be dead. If you take as example the Hindu culture where when a person becomes a Christian, they take everything belonging to that person, put it on a funeral pyre and have a mock funeral and they consider that person to be dead. That’s what renounce means, it’s a repetitive word where I have to speak over and over again that that thing is dead to me, until there is a separation and that thing is no longer a part of me.
    In Romans 6:2 Paul writes ‘how can we who are dead to sin live any longer in therein’ so whatever weakness or habit that is binding you, you have to keep renouncing it until it no longer is any part of you. This is what we call entering into spiritual warfare. You see we are carrying around a dead body that wants to keep on doing the things it is used to doing. But it is only by the spirit that we can put off the misdeeds of the body. We have this new life within that wants to come forth and take over so that Jesus can be king and reign within and that’s why there is a war going on within. And if we do sin we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus the righteous Son and as we confess our sins He is just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
    In (1 John 3:9) we read ‘No-one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God’. So as we renounce the things of the flesh and keep speaking them off the less hold they have on us And the life of Christ within gets stronger and stronger because ‘where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, with our unveiled faces all reflect the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit’. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

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