We travel by night…

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On Easter Sunday my husband and I had a conversation in which aspects of my past dawned on us both.
I was so ready to give myself away entirely into marriage age 20. I didn’t want responsibility for myself on any level, or should I say – I didn’t feel confident in myself in anyway. So my survival plan was to give it all to someone else to take care of for me. (Why he would want to take that on is another story we haven’t even discussed yet.)

So that is how things worked for the next 15 years. He looked after me like a dad. So when he got sick 2 years ago you can imagine how terrifying that was.
I had never had to stand on my own two feet in my life, emotionally, financially or in any other way. But it was something that needed to happen.

Even though he is doing really well now, long term illness in a marriage does change the relationship irrevocably. But this needed to happen. I no longer make my husband an idol by putting him before God in my life. No spouse can ever live up to those standards, and it is not fair to ever expect them to. I no longer cling onto him like an utterly dependent child.

The one I should be clinging onto like an utterly dependent child is of course Christ. But then that relationship had had to change too. Unlike my old relationship with my husband, Christ does not indulge me like a spoiled child. And even though He meets me where I am, He expects me to grow up and act like an adult.

Of course this is not the sort of relationship I want. I want a daddy to look after me and keep all the bad things away from me and fill me with endless consolations. I’m spoiled, and that’s what I’m used to. But Christ knows my heart better than I do, and He knows that deep down I don’t believe I can stand on my own two feet. I’m just a scared little girl in a big bad world.

On some levels I am meeting the challenge. I have started my own business that is doing really well. I am paying our bills. My marriage is much more balanced. But still, Christ is calling me to mature spiritually.

These last few days I’ve been doing everything possible to distract myself from the fact that He is calling me back into the desert, to be with Him alone. I know He wants more of me, and I’m reluctant to say the least!
But there is no escaping it 🙂 As a Carmelite the interior life is my vocation. It’s who I am! He made me that way – I can’t escape it!

So finally today I stopped struggling. I stopped the useless distractions that don’t even work anymore and I joined my God, my Love, my Father in the desert.

Through the dark night of my senses I can see His face clearly. He stares at me and smiles. I try to avoid eye contact. But soon, I hope I can find the courage to meet His gaze, and at least participate in this challenging game of interdimentional ‘stares’ 🙂

We travel by night…

2 thoughts on “We travel by night…

  1. “But Christ knows my heart better than I do, and He knows that deep down I don’t believe I can stand on my own two feet.”

    You can’t stand on your own two feet. Everything you are, everything you have comes from God. He holds you up.

    “I’m just a scared little girl in a big bad world.”

    Yes, you are. So look at Christ and let Him carry you through the scary things, the things you never imagined you could do. It’s a scary world and Christ is with us to teach us that He is in the midst of even the scariest, the darkest times. Think about the harrowing of hell. Is there any hell we create or others create for us that Christ can’t harrow?

    “On some levels I am meeting the challenge. I have started my own business that is doing really well. I am paying our bills. My marriage is much more balanced. But still, Christ is calling me to mature spiritually. ”

    And we both know it’s all gift. That you have those talents and that there are those paying you to make vestments is a great gift.

    Recently, I’ve been earning a bit of money sewing. The surprise is I’ve often wanted to supplement my income this way but people weren’t willing to pay me. Now they are. It’s not that I’m a better seamstress, though I improve every time I sew. It’s that God has made all things work together for me now. He didn’t in the past. At one time I chafed because people wanted my work but didn’t want to pay. Now, I know that God had other things for me to do. The gifts come at the right time.

    “We travel by night…”

    We do travel by night and in light so bright we are blinded. Christ holds our hand. Sometimes we become young enough to ride His foot and let Him take us where He pleases. Congratulations that He is honouring you with this adventure. Try not to analyze and decide what God is doing. Just go. It will become clearer eventually.

    http://lovedasif.com

  2. Yes Clare, we do travel by night, that is why His word is a lamp to our feet and a lamp to the path we travel on. This quote came from a man who was an atheist. He had been on this ship and he saw in the life of a crew member, something that he couldn’t account for and his final comment was this. “I would never have opened a bible, but I could not help reading the life of this man. His life eventually convinced me that there must be a God”.
    What was the bible that convinced him? Not a bible printed with black marks on white paper, but a bible of flesh and blood in the life of a man who lived out his faith in just being good.
    A final thought: – your life may be the only bible that someone will ever read. What will they read on the pages of your life if they were to read it today?

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