Police are questioning a 38 year old Catholic priest on charges of arson after 17 out of 18 churches he was stationed at burned to the ground over a 13 year period. Polish born Fr. Pileov Ash denies the charges saying that the events are an “unexplainable co-incidence”.
As part of the interrogation process, Fr. Ash has been asked to take a lie detector test while being exposed to a series of slides – each containing photographs of some of the churches he was stationed at before the fires took place.
“Fr. Ash, please could you tell us a little about each of these churches?”
“Oh yes! I remember this one – there was so much glass used in the design of this building. It used to heat up like a greenhouse. Sometimes temperatures would reach over 120 degrees Fahrenheit. I felt so sorry for the congregation. They reminded me of trapped ants getting frazzled under a magnifying glass. One time a woman’s hair set on fire – just like that! Spontaneously combusted. I think it was a weave…”
“Ahhhh! Brazillia. I always said those candle stands looked dodgy. They wobbled if you looked at them. Really, really wobbley. In hindsight i should have done more to fix them than just jamming a folded up parish newsletter under one of the feet. Live and learn I guess?!”
“To model a church on a Disney character is something I never really understood to be honest. Especially one that has a petrol engine. Petrol = fire. That’s all I have to say.”
“Jesus wept… *long deep sigh* The architecture of the 1970’s was as stupid and ugly as its theology… *another long deep sigh* Forgive them Father, They didn’t know what they were doing… *yet another long deep sigh*
“I have no idea how the fire started, but at its peak there were flames literally shooting out of the windows at the back. It reminded me of an episode of StarTrek from 1968 where the Klingon’s were attempting to jump to warp speed. I almost expected the entire building to lift off and boldly go where no man has gone before.”
“Forensics traced the source of this fire back to the sacristy. That didn’t surprise me at all. There was just so much polyester in there. At night you could hear crackling and literally see sparks as the low quality vestments brushed against each other. The levels of static electricity in that place were OFF THE CHART. Vanpoulles has got a lot to answer for.”
“The Metropolitan famously has the nickname ‘The Chimney’. You can see why. The place was literally one big furnace. An accident waiting to happen if you ask me. White smoke was bellowing out of the top like a new Pope had just been chosen! I guess that’s why all the people were clapping and cheering?”
“This one deserved to die. I hated it. It was so ugly, so embarrassing, so rectangle, so depressing. It actually made me ashamed to be a Catholic. Not that I started the fire of course – you understand that right? Are you recording this?”
“Now this one was the fault of the architect. Who in their right mind would create a window that long at the front of the building? When opened, the whole place acted like a giant bellows. It created a back-draft that whipped up the votive candles in their pastel coloured glass holders into an inferno the likes of which I have never seen before – or since. The front doors burst open and several giant fireballs shot out. It was like watching a huge angry metal dragon with indigestion.”
“This one reminded me so much of a witches hat. You know what they used to do with witches in the middle ages? They used to burn them. Oh yes, they used to burn them. WHAAAAAaaaaaaa!!!!”
“Now this was such a shame. I was trying to make a cup of tea and I accidentally left the large box of PG Tip’s on the gas stove. It wouldn’t have been a problem except that the gas stove was on at the time. I had also left a pan of hot oil on the boil and accidentally tossed my lit cigarette end into the bin – which was located just underneath the 1960’s purple paisley patterned nylon curtains. Silly me! Silly, silly me!”
“Oh c’mon! It’s a giant microwave! What did you expect?!”
“Seriously, I was only at this parish for 2 weeks when the accident happened. The best person to speak to about this is the 94 year old permanent Deacon based in that parish. Go and speak to him. His name is Offring – Deacon Burt Offring.”
Fr. Ash remained silent when shown this slide, but detectives did notice that his heart rate went up to almost 190 bpm and he started sweating profusely and omitted a low growling noise.
The Vatican has responded through the Liturgical Art and Sacred Music Commission, saying that Fr. Ash and Deacon Offring are obviously innocent of any crime. “The real crime” they say “is that these monstrosities were allowed to be built in the first place.”
Sources in Rome also report that in a highly unusaul move, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has recommended Fr. Ash and Deacon Offring for immediate canonisation stating that “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” and that “The fire of the Holy Spirit moves where it will.” He went onto to say that it was “Miraculous” that not a single person was hurt in any of the fires and that God has obviously chosen these two men to “clear the way” for new architects that want to restore the “dignity, beauty and reverence” that has been disregarded in Catholic architecture over the last two generations.
The case continues…