Detachment, CFS and my route into Carmel.

desert-dunes-hd

I have been having to let go of a few things recently. My 8 year old son has decided to stop calling me ‘Mummy’ and now calls me ‘Mum’ – He’s not my baby any more! My 10 month old has moved out of our room into her own room and my 4 year old is getting ready to start big school in September. Letting go is not easy.

It got to the point a few years back where I felt I had finally let go of everything and given it to God. And in my conscious mind I had. But the heart is full of secret chambers that hide deep, deep secrets. So deep that sometimes you are not even aware of them yourself.

In January this year the Lord was calling me to do something. I didn’t know what, and I was hesitating to give my ‘yes’ because I know what that means – He wants Everything. I had also recently just given birth to my third child and wasn’t sure I could commit to anything else. But eventually, one day when I was driving home from the school run I felt the prompt that now was the right time. So I said “OK, here you go – here’s my ‘yes’. I have no idea of what it is you are calling me to do but here is my ‘yes’ anyway – Jesus, I trust in you.”

Little did I know that this was a preparation for Carmel. The thing is, that when the Lord calls you into the desert with Him you go alone. I mean, you can take literally nothing with you. And it seems that in the deepest secret chambers of my heart I was holding onto something – security.

I got married 14 years ago aged 20. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I have never lived alone. I have always had someone to take care of me be it emotionally, financially or whatever. I have never been on my own with anything my entire adult life. My husband is my rock – he always has been. A week after I gave my ‘yes’ to God, my husband collapsed on the sofa with an unknown illness. By the next morning he couldn’t raise his head off of the pillow. It was terrifying, no-one knew what was wrong with him and he was getting worse. Blood test after blood test came back negative and at one point we even had the heart wrenching conversation “You know where all the life insurance documents are right?”

To cut a very long story short, after a month of searching we eventually got a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). There was relief that it was not life threatening. There was despair that there is no real cure. If you can imagine having run a marathon and having the flu and the worst hangover of your life – well that’s CFS. Every day without a break I would wake up to watch my husband suffering terribly knowing there was nothing I, or anyone else could do to help him. His courage and resolve throughout all this puts me to shame. He truly is the bravest man I know. The kids took it in their stride as kids do.

The hardest part for me is that my rock had been taken away from me. I was terrified and alone and had to hide my feelings not only from the kids but from my husband who had enough to deal with just getting through the day. There was not a day that went by for months and months that I would just find a place to be alone and just cry out of desperation and fear. I was alone in the dark with no-one to cling onto. “Why are you doing this to us?!” was all I could say to the Lord.

“Where are you hiding,
Beloved, having left me to moan?
Like the stag you fled
After wounding me;
I followed crying aloud, but you had gone.”

– St. John of the Cross

It began to dawn on me in prayer that there was something within me that was an issue, and the Lord was leading (a better word would be dragging) me through it. I was given the consolation of Our Lady reminding me that when I hold the Rosary, it is really her holding my hand. But things didn’t end there. The Lord also brought several ‘false rocks’ into my path that in varying ways seemed to offer me a perfect solution to the fear and despair I was experiencing. “Why are you doing this to me?!?!” These were some of the biggest tests I had ever had to face. Each time the Lord was testing me to see if I would rely solely on Him or not. He was testing me to see if I was ready to go into the desert with Him alone.

After much struggling and agonising, and being stripped down to my core, it seems that at 34 years old, I finally am ready!

My husband has improved so much since January and now is fairly normal at home. He has a good prognosis and has been told to expect to make a full recovery – in time. It could be a few years – we just don’t know. I the mean time he will remain at home and enjoy spending time with the baby. This does mean that because he cannot work we now have no income for the foreseeable future and I would ask you to pray about that for us. But quite frankly, I am at the point now where if we lose the house, we lose the house. So be it! It’s just a building and we can find another one if we have to. I am learning the true meaning of detachment – in every area of my life.

It’s been the hardest 8 months of my life. I’m bruised, but not broken. The main feeling I have is of incredible gratitude and relief that the Lord allowed me to go through this now, so I can learn to rely completely on Him and draw even closer to Him. I am beginning to learn the incredible beauty, purpose and value of suffering within the context of a relationship with Christ. He was amongst other things, preparing me to enter the desert that I now realise has always been my home – Carmel.

I hope this gives some insight into what has been going on for the last 8 months. I have not written about it before now because i had no way of articulating what on earth was happening. This is by no means the end – and there is of course much more to this story, but I’m afraid those things are to remain deep secret desert conversations between me and the ruler of my heart.

So now i ask you – What attachments are hiding in the secret depths of your heart? 

“…In the happiness of the night,
Secretly, unseen by anybody,
Looking at nothing else,
With no other light or guide
Save that which was burning in my heart.

This light guided me
More certain than the light of midday,
To where one awaited me
Whom I knew well
In a place where no one would appear…”

– St. John of the Cross

10 thoughts on “Detachment, CFS and my route into Carmel.

  1. It seems that the true followers of Christ go thru a similar story, reading your story gives me strength for I know now we are not alone in a similar situation. I feel connected with your family and will remember your family in our daily prayers. It’s a hard way the Way of the Cross, the Way to Calvary, but it is purifying. Today is the Feast of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, a Carmelite. Her worldly name was Edith Stein, she died in Auschwitz as a (catholic) Jew in the Concentration Camps.
    May God bless you and your family in abundance.
    Rita

  2. Congratulations on being called into the desert. I know, we don’t see suffering as reason for congratulations. Yet I think you know, suffering is an immense honour. May you continue to suffer with Christ and know, He is caring for you and your family as are crucified next to Him. You remain in my prayers.

    Drusilla Barron (http://lovedasif.com)

  3. MY SOUL IS THIRSTY FOR YOU, MY LORD



    My soul is dwindling in the desert
    

Each step I take may be a hazard


    Loneliness is my companion


    But Jesus rather is the Champion


    Of total abandonment and solitude


    That’s how WE show HIM our gratitude



    Rita BIESEMANS, September 14th 2011

  4. Ah Clare, reading this has come as a shock, the shock of recognition. My son has the same diagnosis (he was just 15 when he became ill overnight, and is now 17), and I can all too easily imagine your situation. I love your understanding and image of going into the desert taking nothing with you. Illness just strips everything away and exposes our fragility and dependence on God’s love. A beautiful and honest piece of writing. I will say a prayer for your family. God bless you all.

  5. Happy Feast of St. Clare, who learned to love Lady Poverty. I am 20 years older than you are and watching and praying as the Lord is exposing deep rooted weeds in my life. My husband and I are learning to trust Him through our trials, knowing that He has a plan so meanwhile we are being pruned and are awaiting the new growth.

  6. I am now a Secular Carmelite. But before I joined Carmel, my trials had begun. I lost my house, all my money, all my other properties, except for my farm. My son and I had nowhere to live. But I turned to God. I went to Mass everyday, cleaned the Church pews, from front to back On hindsight, I think it was His grace that made me turn to Him. And it was also His grace that transformed me from an ungrateful person before the trials poured in, to a most grateful person, even for just a little blessing from God.My attitude of self-entitlement before was erased. having been called to Carmel, also helped me to be able to concretely practice detachment, and made it easier for me, to accept the material things that I lost Service to others after service to God, became my Motto. Now God is slowly giving back to me the things that I need, like a house and car, but He has really been most generous. He has even given me free trips to Europe, Asia, and the U.S, even w/o my asking. Truly, God provides, as long as you turn to Him and serve Him. My financial trials went on for years, but looking back at it now, despite the unknown future, my yoke was light, because He carried my burden for me.

    • there are the friar’s, the nuns, and the secular’s. the secular’s are lay people and can be married or single.

  7. I was 18 years old when I had my onset of CFS. It took 2 years for it to be properly diagnosed and 5 years before I found a doctor who could help me. It took about 2 years of treatment addressing poor sleep, hormonal imbalances, adrenal dysfunctions, immune dysfunctions, and rampant reactionary viruses before I began to feel better. It is difficult to find doctors who understand how to seek out, understand and treat the underlying problems that make up Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still travel from Texas to Philadelphia to work with my doctor. My doctor is part of a group called the Holtorf Medical Group http://www.holtorfmed.com/. If you can find access to any of the locations, I think your husband could find some answers and treatments to help keep the CFS in check. May God bless you and your family as you learn to live with this from now on.

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