Popping the emotional cork off of being raised Fatherless…

By Katrina Fernandez

For every mother or father that is not directly involved in their child’s life, there sits a confused, angry child who grows up believing they are unlovable. “Why don’t they want me? Why doesn’t mom or dad love me enough to be here, right now with me?”

I know now that my dad wasn’t around for complicated grown up reason that I can sort of understand. But still.

You can give excuses and rationales for certain behaviors, but at the end the day the message is still the same… “I didn’t think, care, or love you enough to put my own personal bull aside to be a good parent to you.”


If you are a parent right now and are not involved in your child’s life you might as well call that child up tonight and tell them that because that’s what they are hearing from your actions.

“I didn’t think, care, or love you enough to put my own personal bull aside to be a good parent to you.”

Go ahead, say it. Own those words. Except responsibility for them. Let them sit in your mouth like hot rocks. Swallow them and let them slide down into your belly. Carry them around with you like a painful lump. Like your child does everyday. Every. Single. Day.

I don’t care what kind of family drama or circumstances exist, there is nothing is this whole wide world that would keep me from my son. And if you are reading this and feeling a bit judged right now it’s because you are being judged. Harshly.

Maybe your young child doesn’t have the understanding or vocabulary to express the level of hurt your absence causes them but I sure do. And express it I will.

Mother. Father. I don’t care which. Both parents leave. I know that. But what you don’t know is the emotional maelstrom du merde you leave in your wake. So let me fill you in.

I grew up fatherless and spent my entire young adult life as a teenager and women looking for love and validation in other men. And that is exactly what it sounds like.

Is that what you want for your daughters? Do you want your sons to be angry young men?

Whatever it is you have going on your lives, it’s not ever going to be more important than your child. Ever.

Watch that video a few more times till it starts to sink and then get your head straight. Do right by your children and stop perpetuating a cycle of neglect in the generations that will follow on after you.

Thankfully, my father and I have an amicable relationship now. The past has been forgiven. Not forgotten, because some hurts… well, as you can see, still illicit strong emotional reactions. But we are both adults now and realize you can’t ever take back the past, just learn from it and move on. Heal and move on. I’m blessed he’s in my life now and involved with my son and that’s a blessing I count every day.

Parent’s, love your children. Be there and love them.


5 thoughts on “Popping the emotional cork off of being raised Fatherless…

  1. This hits home for me right now, not because I was abandoned by either parent nor did I abandon my daughter, but we have just taken a woman and her 6 month old daughter into our home because her husband chose another woman over them. It’s heartbreaking! She knows the ramifications of growing up fatherless. It’s one of the reasons she’s staying with us…because our family has volunteered our daddy to try to fill that gap. It won’t be the same, and we know it but praise God that we have the ability to try and love this baby girl and her mama through this suckfest of a situation.

    This article reiterates everything we have been saying about her father. Thanks for the reminder.

  2. Thanks for this post.

    Wendy, God bless you for the gift you are giving this woman and her child.

    There is one reason not to be there for your children, death. Death still leaves a horrible hole but, for me, knowing my parents loved me enough to protect me from the madness that had invaded our lives eventually made their loss bearable. Eventually, I was even able to understand that they have always walked with me. But the pain remains real. How much bigger it must be to be for those who are abandoned by their parents.

    Abandoned children must be a subject of prayers and, when God gives a family the opportunity, the recipients of our charity. Certainly, friends created home for me and that has been immensely healing.

    Drusilla (http://lovedasif.com/)

  3. Pingback: Loved As If

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