Funny! Funny! Funny! True real life Catholic stories.

~1~

Ian McShane eat your heart out!

Teaching very young children Bible stories is great fun! Especially when a few days later, you hear them casting their bath toys in the role of Judas Iscariot and the Chief Priests! I don’t know how the orange horse got the part of Judas, all I do remember is hearing him exclaim loudly “I WANT MY 30 PIECES OF SILVER!”.

We had also been learning about Adam and Eve and the how God punished the evil serpent. A few days later my 3-year-old was getting under my feet while I was trying to make dinner so I told him “Right that’s it! Just go out into the garden and play!” He stormed off pushing Daddy out the way telling him “I’m going out into the garden to crawl on my belly!”

~2~

  Kitchen holy water dispenser.

It always makes me laugh when you lift a toddler up to reach the holy water font out side church. They always seem to stick just their index finger into the holy water and then pop their finger straight into their mouths!

One time at home, I was hiding round the corner watching my son climb up for the first time and get his own cup to get himself a drink. He didn’t realise I was watching him. He managed all by himself to fill the cup from the water dispenser in our fridge. Then he had a quick look round to check that no-one was watching, dipped his hand into his spider-man cup and proceeded to make the sign of the cross and bless himself! Bless his little heart – I never told him I saw him do it!

~3~

Peas, Grapes and Eagles.

It’s really hard trying to get your kids to sit still long enough to say prayers at bedtime. It’s even harder keeping a straight face when every time your daughter starts the ‘Hail Mary’ she declares our blessed Mother ‘Full of grapes’!

It is equally difficult when you are offered the ‘sign of peas’ at Mass.

But I have never had to bite my lip harder than when at the end of the ‘Our Father’ my son asked God to ‘…deliver us from all eagles, Amen.’!

~4~

Thomas and James. 

The subject during the Children’s liturgy at Mass was ‘doubting Thomas’. “Who was Thomas’ friend?” the teacher asked. My 2-year-old put up his hand and shouted out “James!”. “Well done!” said the teacher obviously impressed that I had been trying to teach my son all the names of the apostles (not!). But now it was time for a harder question “And how many James’ were their?”. “There were 2!” Shouted my young son. Everyone looked round in amazement at how well-educated this young toddler was. It was only when I got home that I realised what was going on in his little mind: Thomas (the tank engine) had a friend called James, and James’ engine number was 2! (it actually wasn’t but my son obviously thought it was 2 and besides who cares – it was the right answer wasn’t it?!)

~5~

 
Is there any coming back from this?

It was the rare occasion that me and my husband actually made it out to the cinema. We were late of course – the film had already started and our seats were right at the front. I was a little stressed and quite tired and when I got to row C, (for some un-known and mind-boggling reason) I GENUFLECTED before entering my row! So tell me – how does one recover socially in this type of situation?! So many thoughts were going through my mind: “Its dark – did anyone actually notice? Of course they noticed – they think you are a complete fruit cake!” “Did they think I was genuflecting at them personally? – this would be embarrassing and quite unnerving for them as I was going to have to sit next to the people I had just worshiped for the next 2 hours!” “Is my husband going to make the same mistake? Should I warn him not to? No, no, don’t do that – it will just draw attention to the fact that you are a complete fruit cake!” “Should I just genuflect again and leave?” In the end I just smiled politely like nothing was out of the ordinary, took my place in row C like nothing had happened. I said nothing about it – and nobody asked me anything! (probably because they didn’t want to upset the mad woman sitting next to them.)


 ~6~

Sexy knickers mantilla.

My Husband was giving his Greek friend a lift home when his friend suddenly noticed something on the back seat of the car. “Um, I think your wife left her knickers in the back of the car.” “What?!” exclaimed my husband. “oh! no, that is her mantilla!” he tried to explain. “What’s a mantilla?! (wink, wink)” said his Greek friend. “No, no its to protect her modesty.” said my husband. “I bet it is! you lucky guy!” said his Greek friend. “No! no! you don’t understand!”.

Too late. The damage is done. Now not only does everybody think I own a pair of racy lacy black knickers – but they are also under the assumption that me and my husband carry out our nuptial unions IN THE CAR!!! (This is doing nothing for my reputation.)

 ~7~

More tea, your Grace?

We were honoured one evening by an impromptus visit from our local BISHOP (not the one in the parish I am living in now – before you ask!) I was not expecting this visit and it caught me a little off guard. I told him to come in and offered to make him a cup of tea. “oh yes please!” was his reply. I went into the kitchen while my husband and baby son made conversation with the BISHOP. To my horror I realised I had run out of milk. “What am I going to do?” I thought “I can’t just offer him nothing – he’s the BISHOP!” I could tell conversation was wearing a little thin in the other room so I had to act soon. The kettle had boiled, the tea bag was in the cup, the biscuits were on the tray. Then I panicked. I grabbed a carton of baby formula and poured it into the BISHOP’S tea. Horrified with my self I took a sip of the BISHOP’S tea to test whether he was going to notice (or more to the point whether I was going to get away with it!) It tasted fine. So I gave it to him. He didn’t notice a thing. Then (the most painful part) I had to sit across the table from him while he drank the whole thing – every second racked with fear and anxiety that the BISHOP was going to somehow find out what I had done. The thoughts started racing through my mind again: “Can I get excommunicated for this?” “It’s lucky you are using formula this time and not breast-feeding!” “Is this technically classed as poisoning a BISHOP?” “Well he is drinking it all up like a good boy!” “Don’t laugh. For Gods sake don’t laugh. It’s NOT funny.”

A few days later I felt so guilty about this that I actually decided to go to confession about it. To my utter horror, on the other side of the confessional was (yep, you guessed it!) the BISHOP! What do I do now? The thoughts come flooding in: “Quick – make up another sin to talk about! No, don’t do that he’ll know you are lying – and besides it is a SIN to lie in confession isn’t it?” “Should I just genuflect again and leave?” – (horrific memories of the cinema incident flood back to haunt me). “Just tell him, but stay behind the curtain and pretend it’s not really you. He can’t tell you off for coming to confession and besides, he is bound NEVER to discuss anything that is said in the confessional – NOT EVEN TO YOU!

Did I confess? – I’m not going to tell you!

If you have enjoyed these stories, please share, sign up for my blog, like ‘Faith in our Families’ on Facebook, and don’t forget to let your friends know about https://listeninginthedesert.wordpress.com/

Lots of love, and God bless you!

Clare x

ps. To view more real life stories please visit http://www.conversiondiary.com/2012/10/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-193.html

2 thoughts on “Funny! Funny! Funny! True real life Catholic stories.

  1. Hahahah I could NOT stop laughing the entire time I was reading your post! It just kept getting funnier and funnier. So glad I scrolled to the bottom of the quick takes list and found this! Hopefully you’ve had a chance to recover from the misplaced genuflect and stocked your fridge with extra milk!

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